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My question is the very last paragraph, whatapos;s before it, is the story/explanation.


My father has cancer, very sick. Dying slowly and I was in desperate need to visit him. I was just planning to visit. Knowing Iapos;ll be back. Which I did.

At that time I had not been working at walmart as Operator for 6 months. So I figured I would have to quit. So off to put my two weeks notice. I left my little note in personal box stating my last day of work.

I told the assistant manager of my department. She told me not to quit to go for a leave of absence, talk to personal.

I went to personal and she basically told me no it wasnapos;t going to happen. Because I wasnapos;t working for 6 months yet. So my last day comes and I leave for my flight.

While I was gone. My best friend would talk to the assistant manager. She found out I was only going to be gone for a week. She told my best friend to call her. Which I did. She asked if I wanted to keep my job and of course I wanted to.

But before I got back. I was gone a week. They didnapos;t terminate me out of the system yet. They already hired another operator. So co-store manager put me as door greeter in the wire.

After all this my father really needs help being taken care of. I need to make the move for him.

I went on the wire. Put in my store transfer request and current interests. Called the store personal of the walmart Iapos;m trying to transfer to. They told me put mark ICS team on the interest and request interests. Than call them back. I did that today and I will call first thing in tomorrow.
I also wanted to speak to their store manager but he is on vacation as they informed me.

Well I talked to my store manager today and she said that because co-manager put me as door greeter on the wire. And havenapos;t been working as door greeter for 6 months. Even though if I would of never quit my 6 months of working would be october 22nd. I wonapos;t be eligible for a store transfer?
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...prepare to be disappointed.


After the last two nightmares of presidential elections, itapos;s difficult to really *believe* things are gonna be OK this time. However, it is looking very good for Obama at this point.

See the latest? Endorsed by Colin Powell. I gotta think thatapos;s going to defuse some fears among certain voters.

I guess Iapos;m disappointed to see presidential elections get so expensive--that Obama has to spend so much to be this competitive. But, damnit, too much is riding on this election to let ourselves get qualms over that. I chipped in another few hundred the other day. And I find it incrediably encouraging that so much of Obamaapos;s funds are coming from many small(er) donors. Itapos;s encouraging to see some power available to oppose the powerful and rich special interests. Of course, thatapos;s part of why the Arch-NeoCons are so anxious to destroy the middle class. The Middle Class has political and economic power, without being predictable and loyal to the powers-that-be. Itapos;s the mix of having enough resources to be willing to take risks (on progressive policies) combined with not having enough to be threatened by the resulting changes.

The economic lower classes are conservative because they canapos;t afford to lose anything more. The economically upper class is afraid of losing their place on top of the heap.

So, the broader and more robust the middle class, the stronger the democracy. I guess thatapos;s pretty obvious. We really donapos;t get see democracies in societies until there is a middle class. Anarchies seem viable in egalitarian societies with little to no surplus (as brilliantly suggested in The Dispossessed). There is the middle ground when hierarchies are established in societies that are generating surplus to support royalty, etc.

Just got done reading _King Rat_ by China Mieville. It was great--far better than Iapos;d expected. He definitely manages story lines that will never be mainstreamed. Anyhow, as usual, he has a fair bit of left-wing politics in it.

-B.

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Yesterday I moved all of my heavy furniture. I rented a Uhaul and you know when they say, "Only $19.99" Their lieing. I drove a total of 9 miles and was charged $50 dollars. I bought a bottle of Hypnotic to celebrate the new place. I actually got it on sale for only $20 and went to bed last night without opening it and this morning it was no where. One of my roomates friends fucking stole it. *is pissed* So Iapos;m just a little�angry right now. Plus Jillapos;s boy friends douche bag of a friend wonapos;t let her play her brand new game, so Iapos;m angry for her. Plus he keeps stealing her cookies. What a loser. Oh Also my crap ass old roomates tried to call us again last night, pretty sure they were probably high and drunk as thats the�only time they do so. They too are also losers. Drugs are wack Plus they smell.

Canapos;t wait to go to the cities some time in November Also the weekend of the 21st, if it doesnapos;t snow Iapos;m finally going to see my nephew. Iapos;m a horrible aunt, he will have just turned one and I will have just seen him for the first time.�If only I werenapos;t a bitch.

Iapos;m having a halloween party and actually on halloween this year. So if I know and actually like you, by all means send me a text if you want to come, as no one knows where I live right now. Bwa ha ha

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Regarding the question "Do you really want to be a mod or would you rather just be a member?"

I have given this some thought, and this is my whole take on it:
I donapos;t ever have any problems with anyone. Even when I donapos;t agree with something, it takes a lot to offend me and even in a situation where I am offended I donapos;t see myself ever banning anyone (unless theyapos;re belligerently inappropriate to the community as a whole).
Basically, I do not give a shit about shit. To an almost extreme degree.
That being said, it seems that the the whole "moderator" status has a definite presence in the community, one which I am not sure I care to fulfill.
To be honest, the one of the major appeals of drunk_journal was that up until the whole drama of banning milkman I was never aware of any moderator activity at all.
While I genuinely enjoy this community, I do feel that drunk_journal was superior in that respect.

In summary, unmod me if you want because I really donapos;t ever plan on using any sort of "mod power", as I feel it detracts from the community.
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I had a random Tarot card reading preformed for me today. It decifered that I was acting obtuse, and that I needed to stop pushing for answers, that I needed to relax and just let things flow. That something that Iapos;ve been working for is being delayed and that I need to realize that it will be okay. I will achieve it, eventually.

I think Iapos;m going to start carrying a small notebook with me every where, so I can just write random things that cross my mind. Today was filled with odd accounts of deja-vu. My stomach for some reason hurts, extremely bad. Its that feeling when you know something is about to happen, it makes my jaw shiver, my stomach ache, the tips of my fingers turn to ice. I wish I knew what was about to happen. This feeling makes me want to vomit.

Its a day like this, where I wish I wouldapos;ve just turned invisible. So I couldnapos;t have been judged, by any one person, or group of randoms. I wish I wouldnapos;t have put on my makeup today, so that anyone that did see me, could see myself. I wish I wouldapos;ve worn a turtle neck so no one couldapos;ve seen my body, and judged me for the clothes I put on it. I wih my hair wouldapos;ve been up, so no one couldapos;ve witnessed it. Am I a hypocrite? Yes. To admit that, gives me justice, does it not?

If I dressed in a pink dress, would you see that in my car I have a pair of handcuffs? If I wore not an ounce of make-up, would you see that I really am pretty? If I never spoke a word, would you think me stupid? If I dressed in black, would you consider it mourning?

Iapos;m having some of those days where I feel trapped. I feel like a stranger within my own body. Why do I try to lead, when all I want is to be taken by the hand? Why do I paint my smile on? Does anyone really care if I do or not?

I asked a bunch of people a question. "Think of me. What do you see?" each person replied red, wavy hair. I like that, I want to have long red hair. But- is that all they see. Is that all -you- see? A silly red haired girl? Why does that give me the cupulsion to shave it all off. Why do I have strong compulsions to break, expensive glass objects?

Why do I feel like Iapos;m going to throw up? If you saw me on the street how would you define me? Why do I feel like Iapos;m an accesory to everyones happiness but my own? Why do I feel this way?

I donapos;t even know why Iapos;m asking why, to any of this. It will all seem as though it tiz a rhetorical question in the end, wonapos;t it? Youapos;ll read this. Youapos;ll think Iapos;m silly, young and niave. Wonapos;t you? Who are you?

Iapos;m getting all freaked out. I think Iapos;m going to move to Canada. I feel the compulsion to pierce myself in random places once again. What an odd burden I give into.

Iapos;ve been thinking about getting the insdie of my lip tattood...How stupid is that Right? I donapos;t know why...I bet you it would hurt. I have to write some stupid paper for english sometime this weekend. I probably wonapos;t. But- Thatapos;s a lie. Because I know I will I know that I will conform no matter how much I donapos;t want to be a fucking sheep I will. Iapos;ll walk in the lines provided, boy-girl most likely. Iapos;ll keep my mouth shut, and look no where but the ground. Iapos;m passive. I let them walk all over me. For what? Acceptance? Thatapos;s never mattered to me before? Has it?

Why does all of this matter to me? These lines? Abstract if they must be. Iapos;m freezing, my skin feels as if its tingling. I think I might actually be shaking...Am I having a panic attack? Maybe its the lack of vitamins Iapos;ve been getting? I donapos;t know.

How is it, that when people look at me, in the eyes even, that they donapos;t see me; Alas, I guess I donapos;t see them either. You know what I hate? When little girls cut their hair, so they look like they have a mullet Gah. Maybe thatapos;s just the hairdresser talking.

Am I asking for it, when I ask where has the magic gone? Why am I so terrafied to live?

Ever since I was small, Iapos;ve wanted these days to come. The days that lead to my life as I know it. Thinking about getting my own apartment, filled with everything Iapos;ve worked so hard for. Why do I feel so niave for wanting that? I feel like Iapos;m on repeat of that Chaplin song- Passionate Kisses. Man- I love that song. Do you think Iapos;m possibly sleep deprived? Nay. I slept for eleven hours the previous night. I feel like Iapos;m missing something. -But I donapos;t know what.

Maybe- just maybe...Iapos;ve literally lost it.

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This is a promise, for all who have died, and for all who still live: I will not give up this fight until we can live the lives we choose. I will not let some bastard continue to murder us for the sake of his empty dream.

This isnapos;t over, not by a long shot. We just have a little further to go, and though the path is bloody and full of pain, we owe it to those who have fallen along the way, and to the brighter future at the end, to keep striving, to keep fighting, and to not give in to the despair in our hearts.

I still believe, truly, in my heart of hearts, that light is stronger than darkness, and that we will overcome the challenges we have faced.

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It seems as though friends arent what they used to be. Itapos;s like a whole bunch of people that i love suddenly have deflated into thin air . I dont like feeling so alone. Even though iapos;m not in actuality alone at all . I miss everything about everything , and itapos;s tearing away at what i let myself feel .iapos;m not one to continuosly mope , but i owe it to myself to open up and pour out me .

Iapos;m losing one of the least important people in my life. No , iapos;ve lost him . Itapos;s like he died . But iapos;ve died to him. It hurts. It hurts bad. I had a dream about him last night, that he had another girl , and he was in love with her , i woke up confused and sad . I went to the bathroom and ended up spilling out all i had from my eyes. Iapos;ve never cried so deeply before . Iapos;ve never felt such a loss for someone i supposedly have gotten over. I nee dto be over him , because iapos;ve got such a beautiful guy now .
but its always hard letting go .

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